The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
