I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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