I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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