Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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