just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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