It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
