I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
