i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
