The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
