walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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