My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
