I think my fart just growled at me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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