Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
