New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
