Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
