I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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