its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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