I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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