I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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