you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
