Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
