How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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