just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
