Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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