My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We need to rekindle our bromance
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
