I wish my penis had an off switch
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
