my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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