why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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