I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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