My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
