I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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