i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
