I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
