When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize