my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
