If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
