its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
