are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
