Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
