The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
