I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
