dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
