Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
