Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
