Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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