got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Randomize
