Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
