Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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