Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize