cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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