Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
