Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
