Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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