This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
