So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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