I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
