Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
