It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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