morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
