the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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