Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
