Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
