If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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