im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
